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63 Habits of Naturally Confident People

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Naturally confident people get that way through consistency.

Not only consistency in what they do, but consistency in how they think.

When I talk about “natural confidence” what I’m talking about is how to be quietly, gracefully confident.  The kind of confidence that lasts a lifetime.  The kind of confidence that opens up the world.  The kind of confidence that I think the world needs more of.

It’s something that I’ve learned a lot about in my own life as well as through coaching people these last 10 years, and I’ll continue to learn about what it is, where it lives and how to apply it for as long as I live.

My aim is to share what I learn with you

Here are 63 of those consistent habits that naturally confident people share.

Naturally confident people:

  1. don’t label the stretch inherent in meeting a challenge as “bad”
  2. separate the notion of success from a specific outcome
  3. acknowledge that fear is a natural response that doesn’t have to determine behaviour
  4. don’t compare themselves with others in order to establish social position or status
  5. always thread their values – the things that truly matter in themselves, in other and in the world – into their experience
  6. know that it’s by bettering themselves that they’ll come out a winner, not by competing with others
  7. ask for help when it’s really needed, even if it feels awkward or out of character
  8. know that making a choice that honours what really matters is always the best choice, even if it presents some short term issues or challenges
  9. fully acknowledge that life will sometimes suck
  10. know what’s good for them
  11. know what’s bad for them
  12. see judgments about things as just more thoughts; no more important than a thought about what you had for breakfast last Monday
  13. embrace acceptance as much as they embrace change
  14. don’t need to be fixed or completed by someone else
  15. know their weaknesses don’t diminish their capability or lessen their value
  16. will get the hell out of situation that’s toxic or damaging rather than staying put because that’s what’s expected
  17. understand that thoughts shape experience, and that they get to choose their experience
  18. know their strengths don’t make them better than others
  19. know when to let go rather than hang on for dear life just because they’re scared to loosen their grip
  20. are vulnerable
  21. understand that they can always make a new choice, no matter what life throws at them
  22. accept responsibility
  23. don’t base their personal stock on receiving validation or recognition
  24. won’t beat themselves up for screwing up
  25. get the difference between being of service and being a people-pleaser
  26. hit the reset button on their intention when they notice they’re starting to second guess themselves
  27. know that small, gentle, graceful acts can be just as meaningful and momentous as big, bold or wave-making ones
  28. are still able to laugh when things are at their worst
  29. prioritise their own nourishment
  30. listen to what they’re intensely curious about and go digging
  31. won’t get derailed by doubters
  32. might reroute around an obstacle but see it as just another part of the journey
  33. look you in the eye with ease
  34. know the difference between being in a comfortable place and being in a stuck place
  35. treat people the same, from a garbage collector to a CEO to a barista to a lawyer
  36. can still get nervous in new places and with new people, but don’t see it as a problem
  37. don’t just listen to that small, quiet voice inside; they trust it.
  38. respect the boundaries and limits of others but don’t adopt them as their own
  39. understand that they’re already “enough” and that they don’t need to prove anything to themselves or anyone else
  40. listen to what their body is telling them
  41. don’t assume that they need to just put up with things and will exert effort to change things if they can be changed or accept them if they can’t
  42. aren’t afraid to say “No”
  43. don’t take on board dogma from others
  44. are okay with being down and don’t use it ammo to feel even worse
  45. seek to better themselves so they can do more of what matters, rather than seeking to better themselves to fuel their ego
  46. know that shaking in your boots doesn’t mean that you can’t trust yourself to take a step forwards
  47. will push at the edges of their capability to see what they can build, create or add value to
  48. know that not making a decision *is* making a decision
  49. embrace hardship and pain as much as the good times and joy
  50. know the difference between quitting because something’s hard and quitting because something’s not working
  51. don’t care whether what they do is “epic”, “awesome” or even “big” – they know it’s not the size, it’s how much it matters
  52. can share their story fully without fear of how others will judge them
  53. can share their story fully without needing validation from the act of sharing
  54. introduce themselves to people because they’re interested in who they are
  55. understand that by bringing their best to a situation, a doubt about capability or reach can be turned into a challenge rather than an obstacle
  56. don’t pull back from the inconvenient or difficult decisions
  57. are ready and willing to change their minds when they’re wrong
  58. will work to build an environment that’s congruous with their values
  59. won’t slip into playing a role simply because it’s expected of them
  60. accept that there will always be people who just don’t get it and don’t let that simple fact change their trajectory
  61. don’t tolerate things simply because it’s what others do or what they “ought” to do
  62. don’t need armour
  63. don’t pander to the people rallying to see them fail or chomping at the bit to say “I told you so

Anything you want to add to that list?

Comments

  1. Great list, Steve. It was good to see that at least some of those qualities a present in my personality. BUT – the qualities related to getting wrapped up in what other people think seem to be the hardest to overcome. Whether it’s caring about their opinion, or seeking that feeling of ‘completion’, or even taking on (to some extent) their ‘dogma’, or others this has been a continuing struggle all of my life. I’m better than I used to be, but it still takes a lot of attention to not be tripped up by those feelings. I have no big answer, other than to be aware and mindful of the situation and being persistent in working on it. I figure as long as I see continuing improvement I’m moving in the right direction. Thanks for the list!

    • Steve Errey says:

      I don’t think that’s a problem Jeff. I don’t think these things are constant, they ebb and flow and rise and fall. Perhaps the 64th habit is that awareness and mindful you mention – that’s what allows you to reset your intention when necessary.

      My ears always prick up whenever I hear the word “struggle”. What if this didn’t need to be a struggle?

  2. Great soul fuel! Gracias.

  3. Hi, Steve. This is such a powerful post because we all can see the list and hope that we portray all 63 things, but we don’t. We all struggle with a few of these, even those of us who feel pretty confident in our skin most days. My favorite point of all, though, is in the opening paragraph on consistency. Like creativity, relationships, and anything else important, it takes a daily, concentrated effort to nurture it and grow it to its full size.

    Confidence is the same way, and working it in small ways every single day is so much more powerful than the occasional leap into the fire. Thanks for a very thought-provoking post. I’m sharing it.

    • Steve Errey says:

      Bang on the money Betsy. These things all become stuff we have to work on at one time or another – it’s not a matter of reaching a plateau and then being done with the climb. That’s where the consistency comes in…

  4. Hi Steve, I saw this article on Twitter and am so glad I clicked on it. I know it has to do with the number. I wondered, why 63?

    Ever-so-gradually, I am worried less and less what people think. By working on this every day – killing automatic negative thoughts, exercising, and working through fear – I am definitely seeing the improvement. My 35 year old self would never recognize me at 41. :) Thank you for sharing your work with others!

    • Steve Errey says:

      And I’m very glad you clicked on it too. Hah, 63 just seemed to be a nice sort of number I guess! I’m the same – I don’t think my 35 year old self would know what to see to me now. The great thing is, I hope that happens again in another 6 years!

  5. “What if this didn’t need to be a struggle?”

    While the 63 traits are all excellent points to ponder and work on, this casual question in your comments zapped straight to my heart. A terrific thought to ask and apply!

  6. Steve, I loved #64. Your response to Jeff. Awareness. Mindful.

    Consciousness is primary. I appreciate this enlightening post.

  7. Absolutely SPOT ON! I on quite a lot about confidence, and the difference between self-confidence that comes from inside, and the confidence that comes only because of specific achievements.

    This article focuses on inner confidence! Love it.

    • Steve Errey says:

      Inner confidence is certainly my thing, rather than noisy, shouty, look-at-me confidence. There’s a quality of confidence that I call “natural confidence” that seems more powerful to me… I think it’s the point at which inner confidence meets the world, if that makes sense.

Trackbacks

  1. […] I also invested $100 in myself and booked a session with confidence coach Steve Errey, who I met on one of my last days in Portland. After speaking to him for an hour I had the insight […]

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