Get Kinky: 7 Ways To Confidently Embrace Your Kinks

Fifty Shades may be (IMHO) trash worthy of the North Atlantic garbage patch, but you can’t ignore its runaway success. Let’s face it, people are interested, fascinated even, by the kinky or fetishistic.

But if you don’t know one end of a ball gag from the other, how do you explore your kinks and how do you get to feel comfortable with your fetishes in a world that still judges kinky sex as “perverted”?

Here are some thoughts on how to confidently get your kink on.

1. The trust imperative

Imagine your partner told you about something that’s secretly turned them on, only for you to laugh in their face and make them feel like something you’d scrape off the bottom of your shoe. Then imagine you’re on the receiving end of the laughter and disparaging. Doesn’t inspire you to open up, right?

No doubt about it, whether you’re into rubber, food-play or spanking, trust is imperative.

Kinky relationships often have more intimacy and trust woven through them than regular, “vanilla” ones, simply due to the level of vulnerability needed, an openness that can be easily masked or side-stepped otherwise. It takes guts to open up to your partner and gently ask if you can try something new, and it takes vulnerability to expose that part of you that you might have been suppressing or oppressing (or another of those ess words).

It’s likely that you’ll never ask—let alone do it—unless that trust and respect is there first.

2. No still means no

I’ve done some things that would make a drunken dock-worker or German Dominatrix blush, but I’d never even think about proceeding with any of it unless I knew I was safe and could stop things at any time.

When it comes to kinky sex, no still means no.

All the talk of BDSM being nothing more than domestic abuse is misguided, but entirely understandable. There are bad apples just like in any walk of life, but in healthy, kinky relationships consent is sought and explicit.

However you do it, whether it’s whispering “Okay, that’s enough”, using a safe-word or waving a brightly colored piece of foam, you have the right to say when enough is enough, and once that’s agreed it’s iron-clad.

You (and whoever else you’re with) need to have absolute confidence in the fact that you have a say in what happens, how far things go and what happens to your own body. Otherwise it’s just abuse.

3. You’re allowed to be different

Despite real progress around gender and identity—same-sex marriage legislation and numerous examples of sexual identity being cheered rather than jeered (Michael Sam, Tim Cook, Ellen Page, Lady Gaga, Jim Parsons, etc.)—there’s still huge stigma and judgement around kink.

There is a pressure to conform, which is often at odds with the urge to explore something different, push at some edges and go to some new places, but you have the right to explore your sexuality just as you’d explore your career, your passions or your goals. These are all just different parts of who you are that already make you different from other people, just as they’re different from you (which is where that respect thing comes in again, right?).

There’s a level of self-awareness and self-acceptance with kink, simply because you don’t need permission or approval to be different. You can explore with a sense that you’re already okay rather than needing to make up for something you’re lacking.

Get Kinky: 7 Ways To Confidently Embrace Your Kinks

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

4. Uphold your values

It’s common for people to gossip and complain about things they might not understand or might disagree with. And because not everyone is into kink, fetish or BDSM there will naturally be misconceptions around it, just like people question climate change, religion or juice cleansing.

That works both ways, and your job isn’t to convince vanilla people that your way is better, it’s not to push kink in everyone’s face, it’s not to out other kinksters and nor is it to judge. Those things are done out of arrogance or insecurity, not confidence.

Fact is, confidently embracing your sexuality can only be done when there’s congruence with your values. Just as you’d confidently embrace any form of self-expression or identity, whenever there’s an incongruence or dissonance (lying to someone about what you like, judging someone for their preferences or respecting someone’s right to privacy) not only does it feel horrible, but you start chipping away at your self.

Personal values are an imperative, no matter what your sexual identity or interests.

5. You’re only “Bad” if…

You might look at someone who likes getting tied up and label them a “freak”, whereas if you like to get messy with food or role-play as doctor and patient and conduct all manner of inspections you’ll see it as just a bit of naughty fun.

Different strokes for different folks, right?

So what about those secret desires you have? Those unspoken, entirely inappropriate thoughts that get your strides a little steamier? These things are only “wrong” or “bad” for one of 2 reasons:

  1. If you think they are. More damaging than casual judgements about others are the judgements you make about yourself based on your kinks and fetishes. You’re no more a bad person for wanting to spank your partner or play doctor and patient than a chocophile is for indulging in a gooey brownie. Trying something a little bit kinky or indulging a fetish doesn’t commit you to a “deviant lifestyle” any more than singing in the shower turns you into Michael Bublé.

    Societal norms, dogma and your concerns about what your mother might think can easily make you feel like there’s something wrong with you, so watch for your own judgements and be honest with yourself above all else.

  2. If you’re crossing the line. It should go without saying, but I’m going to spell it out anyway. If your “kinks” involve children or animals or non-consent, please, stop reading this right now and get some fucking help. Sexual identity is never an excuse for abuse.
Kink & Fetish Coaching

Photo by Michael Prewett on Unsplash

6. If you’re single, connect

When you’re surrounded by devout, strictly missionary-only Catholics, so much as glancing at someone’s knee-pit out of wedlock is probably enough to get you ex-communicated.

Point is, it’s tough to embrace or explore your kinks unless you know someone who’s willing to explore with you. But opening up to another person about what turns you on? Scarier than a scary clown with a bag full of spiders.

You don’t have to feel alone in your desires, and it’s a safe bet that there are people near you, probably in your town or city, that share the same kinks and fetishes. Sites like FetLife and Recon are ballooning just on word of mouth, providing a safe way to explore a whole world of kink and find out what turns you on.

Connecting with others who get you rather than judge you can be incredibly liberating.

7. If you’re partnered, talk

Dressing up as a squirrel at breakfast and declaring that you’re a “furry” probably isn’t a great way to open up a discussion about your kinks, but fortunately for you, now that the whole Fifty Shades thing is out there, there’s a simple, go-to conversation starter.

So, what did you think about the part when x took the [object] and did [action] to y?

This comes down to opening up about what you want and what you like, and allowing your partner to do the same. Ask your partner about their fantasies, whether there’s anything they’d love to try or something that turns them on that might be fun.

Gently test the water by saying how much you love it when they bite your ear / take charge / use the squirty cream / dress up as a duck and how it would be great if you could take that further.

Dip your toe into the water, get kinky, try things out, laugh together as you go and explore with a healthy sense of curiosity and playfulness.

And then, when you guys have established a level of trust, intimacy and vulnerability that comes from being open enough to explore kink and fetish, reading your partners body becomes another way of communicating and sensing what’s working and what isn’t.

Now that’s sexy as hell.


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